I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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