new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
