Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
