There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
