is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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