I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
