Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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