You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I had to cum in my sink.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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