Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
