dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
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I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
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If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I deserve this hangover.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize