Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
