we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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