im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
