im six kinds of drunk right now
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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