Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
