thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
