dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
