You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
