She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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