when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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