I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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