Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
