This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
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I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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