If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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