Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.