Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me