I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
whose ass print is on the piano?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.