I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
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We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.