So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
