Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
