So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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