ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
