I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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