420 ftw
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
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