I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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