Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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