loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She's the barista slut.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I forget how to act sober
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
