a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
