Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
