my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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