I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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