If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
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I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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