My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
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Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.