I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
