i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
