just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
