you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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