I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
