just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Come on in and take your pants off
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