i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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