Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
