I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
