I heard we made out
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
