textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
