Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
