Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
