My Higher Power is John Stamos
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
