with your own penis?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
