I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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