Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
